The Sixteen or Twenty Ounce Mug.

SCENE: Upstage centre is a very long rectangular table with a blue cloth covering it. On it lays several items including a few books, a lamp, four mugs, a television set, and a lawn mower to the side of the table. On the far left side of the table, a small tin can sits in front of JOHN, a boy in his mid-teens. Spotlight on JOHN. He is wearing a white t-shirt with a pair of worn out denim jeans. He appears to be bored; he picks at his teeth with his fingers. Then enters RACHEL from right, a woman in her seventies, who walks by slowly. She is wearing a pink dress with white gloves and her Sunday Church hat. She holds a small purse with both hands daintily. RACHEL passes the table just as the teenager straightens up. He slouches again after she had passed. RACHEL exits left. A few moments later, RACHEL enters again from left. She approaches the table and JOHN stands up and greets her.

JOHN: (attempting to be friendly and forcing a smile) Morning miss.

(RACHEL is busy picking things up and checking them out. She swiftly glances towards JOHN.)

RACHEL: (still concentrating on the items on the table) Oh, hello.

JOHN: Well, there are some fine things here on this table. Many of them hardly ever used.

RACHEL: I see.

JOHN: Well, I’ll just be sitting here if you need any help….

RACHEL: (quickly, as though she is brushing him off) Oh alright.

(JOHN walks back to his seat while RACHEL continues to browse around. She looks at every object in great detail. She comes to a stop at a part of the table where the mugs are displayed. She holds each mug up and analyzes it from top to bottom. She scrutinizes it in every way. She finally puts one down and after picking up another, she walks towards JOHN)

RACHEL: (walking over towards John) What is wrong with this one?

JOHN: (confused) Heh?

RACHEL: (annoyed) I said, “What is wrong with this one?” And mind your manners boy, say “Excuse me? Or pardon me?” not just “Heh?”

JOHN: (rolling his eyes) Okay….

RACHEL: (snaps at JOHN) Well? What is it? Is it cracked somewhere that I can’t see? Did it break and you glued it back together? What is it? Come out it with it.

JOHN: (taken by such surprised that he stutters) Well no! It’s, it’s perfectly fine.

RACHEL: You say that with some uncertainty.

JOHN: Well I (mutters to himself) scared the shit outta me you ugly old –

RACHEL: (walking back over to where the other mugs are) What did you say?

JOHN: (muttering) Nothing.

RACHEL: Well then, what’s wrong with all of these other mugs? I know there’s something wrong with them. Why else would you be practically throwing them out?!

JOHN: (awkwardly and rude) For God’s sake, there’s nothing wrong with them!

RACHEL: (questioning tone) Then how come you’re selling them then? If there’s (mockingly) nothing wrong with them?

JOHN: (angered) BECAUSE we’re trying to get rid of all this junk that we don’t want anymore to make room for things that we ACTUALLY do want!

RACHEL: (loudly) AH HA! I KNEW IT! Junk! This is what it is! You said it yourself! There must be something wrong with all of these things! Now what is it? You’re not telling me because you’re trying to scam a poor old lady out of her money aren’t you?! Well you know, I’m not that old! I’m barely even seventy! Don’t you go lying to me! I’ll have you know I know your mother very well!

JOHN: (alarmed) Now you listen to me ma’am –

RACHEL: No you listen to me and answer all my questions! Haven’t you learned anything in school about business? The customer is always right! Listen to the customer! And I am the customer, so listen to me! (pause, JOHN is silent. RACHEL calms down) So they’re not used? They look pretty dirty to me. I mean look at all these dots!

JOHN: (sighing) Ma’am, that’s part of the picture on the mug.

RACHEL: Well that certainly is a weird picture…. (she looks at it for a while more and then picks up another mug and checks it all over) Well now, this is definitely dirty! Look at this!

(RACHEL hands the mug over to JOHN who takes it.)

JOHN: (annoyed) No. They’re all brand new. We just left them upstairs in a box in the attic for a while. Never even used ‘em.
RACHEL: You didn’t even so much as glance towards it! How would you know that it’s not dirty! You’re a liar! A lying thief! My God! (screaming) HELP! HELP! I’M BEING ROBBED BY THIS BOY! HELP! HE IS TRYING TO STEAL MY MONEY!

JOHN: (nervously and anxiously) SHH! SHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU BUY IT OR LEAVE IT! Actually I WOULD PREFER it if you’d just go away!

RACHEL: Go away? Why? What have I done to you?

JOHN: You just accused me of being a liar and a thief! And then yelled for help!

RACHEL: I did no such thing.

JOHN: Yes you did! What the hell is wrong with you?!

RACHEL: That is no way to talk to the elderly! Who do you think you are? My father?! And I did no such thing! Are you accusing me of lying? My, the very thought!

JOHN: Oh God… (walking back to his seat while muttering under his breath) Just what I needed, another one of those people….

(JOHN sits down and picks up his book.)

RACHEL: (still standing in the same spot, raises her voice) Hey! I’m not done with you! Where are you going? Do you have this in a different colour? Blue?

(RACHEL waves the mug around to show JOHN.)

JON: No.

RACHEL: Red?

JOHN: (doesn’t glance up from his book) No.

RACHEL: Green?

JOHN: (agitated) Look Lady, this is a GARAGE sale. (he stands up and slams his book down on the table) We only have ONE of each. So take it or LEAVE IT! Stop fucking asking me questions!

RACHEL: (snaps at him) Don’t use that language around me! You don’t have to be all riled up!

JOHN: (mumbling) You’re starting to get on my nerves you -

RACHEL: Do you have different sizes? Is this 16 ounces or 20 ounces? I need to go by Starbuck sizes. You know, 16 ounces is a grandé and of course 20 ounces is the venti.

JOHN: No.

RACHEL: No what? Speak in complete sentences young man.

JOHN: No. WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. DIFFERENT. SIZES.

RACHEL: Well… do you have different patterns? This pattern on this mug with this colour looks absolutely awful! I mean whoever made these anyways? I wonder what they were thinking at the time they were making it!

JOHN: I don’t know. (to himself) Why won’t she go away? Man, this old hag, she -

(JOHN goes to sit back down in his chair again and glares up at RACHEL.)

RACHEL: (interrupts John) What did you say?

JOHN: Nothing.

RACHEL: Did you say this comes with a gift bag? What does it look like?

JOHN: No it does not come with a gift bag!

RACHEL: Well then, what does it come with?

JOHN: What does what come with?

RACHEL: The mug.

JOHN: Why would I give you a gift for buying something at a garage sale?

RACHEL: Well you just said you were going to.

JOHN: No I didn’t.

RACHEL: Don’t argue with the customer. The customer is always right?
Haven’t you heard before?

JOHN: (goes back to reading book) Yes, I have, from you, a couple of minutes ago.

RACHEL: I said so?

JOHN: Yes. Yes you did.

RACHEL: Well then, I am right, you know.

JOHN: Uh huh….

RACHEL: So what was I saying again?

JOHN: You were saying how you were always right.

RACHEL: No before that.

JOHN: You were saying how the customer is always right.

RACHEL: Before that.

JOHN: The mug.

RACHEL: No no, after that.

JOHN: (sighing) The gift bag?

RACHEL: Ah yes, so why don’t I get a gift bag?

JOHN: Because I don’t got any to give to you and trust me lady, I would give it to you if I had one, just so you would go away and stop bothering me!

RACHEL: Again, with the derogatory language! What is it with young ones these days? In my day, if we ever talked like that, we’d get a beating!

JOHN: (spitefully) Well, we’re not in your day. We’re in my day.

RACHEL: Does this come in different colours?

(RACHEL holds up the mug.)

JOHN: (exasperated, he puts down the book and walks towards RACHEL) I told you no!

RACHEL: Doe –

JOHN: And NO! It doesn’t come in different patterns either!

RACHEL: But didn’t you say that it did? I distinctively remembered you telling me that it did come in different colours.

JOHN: I didn’t say that.

RACHEL: Yes you did.

JOHN: Please don’t start with this again. I’m actually begging you.

RACHEL: Start with what?

JOHN: Asking all those questions.

RACHEL: Well I am a paying customer! I deserve the right to ask questions.
JOHN: Uh huh…. Whatever you say. So are you going to buy something or not? We don’t have anything else but whatever’s here.

RACHEL: So does that mean you don’t have –

JOHN: NO! NO! WE DON’T HAVE THIS GODDAMN MUG IN DIFFERENT COLOURS! AND THAT MEANS NO, WE DON’T HAVE THIS IN BLUE, PINK, BLACK, GREEN, YELLOW, RED, ORANGE, OR WHATEVER OTHER FUCKEN COLOURS THERE ARE. WE DON’T HAVE THIS GODDAMN MUG IN DIFFERENT PATTERNS! NOT LEOPARD, NOT STRIPES, NOT POLKA-DOTS. WE ONLY HAVE WHATEVER’S HERE, SO I’M GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE MORE! BUY IT OR LEAVE. PLEASE! I CAN’T GODDAMN TAKE YOUR WHINY ANNOYING VOICE ANYMORE. YOU’RE SO ANNOYING. CAN’T YOU SEE THAT IT’S A GARAGE SALE AND NOTHING MORE? WE’RE NOT A WHOLE FUCKEN WALMART! WE’RE NOT A DOLLARAMA. IF YOU WANT DIFFERENT STYLES, THERE ARE TONS OF PLACES YOU CAN GO TO. JUST PLEASE DO ME A FAVOUR AND LEAVE ALREADY!

(JOHN let’s out a sigh.)

RACHEL: MY WORD! FINE I’LL LEAVE RIGHT NOW!

RACHEL: (holding her head up high) Hmph.

(RACHEL takes her little purse and slowly exits right. JOHN breathes another sigh of relief and goes back to sit back down in his chair.)

JOHN: Oh what a day. First the stupid boy from down the street and now this old hag.

(JOHN picks up his book again and begins to read. Moments later, RACHEL enters from the right and walks straight towards JOHN.)

JOHN: What do you want now?

RACHEL: I’ve decided to buy the mug even though you were awfully rude to me. My granddaughter Clara would love this mug. It’s her birthday today and how would it look if her very own grandmother did not get her one thing! I hope you know, I’m simply buying this for her and not because I want to give you a sale.

JOHN: Fine whatever.

RACHEL: (points to the mug in front of her) I want this one. How much will it be?

JOHN: Forty-nine cents.

(RACHEL opens her purse and takes out a handful of change.)

RACHEL: I have a lot of pennies to get rid of… (chuckles nervously) forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine. Ah yes, here we are, fifty cents. Keep the extra penny as a token of thanks for all of your hard work.

(JOHN takes the change and puts it in the tin can. He takes the extra penny and throws it off to the side.)

RACHEL: (devastatingly) You wasted my penny! That was not a very nice thing to do!

JOHN: You gave it to me and once it was in my hand, I could do anything I wanted with it! Now go away! LEAVE ME ALONE!

(RACHEL gasps at JOHN’S comment and scurries off stage left with her mug. JOHN beams at this, picks up his book, and begins to read it again. Lights fade out to black.)